Existential anxiety

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Jean Paul Sartre would say that I’m in danger of experiencing an extreme case of existential anxiety. Furthermore, he would be right. My university applications are soon due, that’s a fact I can’t seem to hide from. I try to slow time down in my head. I stay up late thinking endlessly about who I want to be in the future and what I want to be doing. I really thought that I wanted to study psychology, or at least that studying psychology would introduce me to something else. The thing is that I recently found a letter I wrote but never sent to my grandmother in January stating that I was sure that I wanted to go to City University in London to study journalism. Between then and now I’ve also been sure that I wanted to study international Relations & Politics.
Another problem that seems to arise is where to study. Will it be Bath, London or maybe Oxford? And lately I’ve been thinking that studying in Norway might not be so bad after all. Maybe I’ll go to Bergen and just study psychology for a year and decide after that whether or not I want to continue or try something else. I’ve got all these thoughts in my head, twirling and mixing up everything. I’m starting to think that I don’t know myself at all. Truth is that I’m really no closer to knowing that I want to do for a living now then when I was a little girl. I’ve really not come any further in 19years.
Young Catherine wanted to be a writer and become more famous than J.K. Rowling. She never lacked ambition or dreams. I don’t know what happened to her. I reckon that growing up and realising that there will always be people more clever, more creative, more accomplished than me did. A discovery I wish undone.

I can’t keep dwelling on this. I really can’t. Maybe I’ll just fuck it all and go to China.

– C

PS. any advice is warmly welcomed

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Ibsen

I bought three books today. I realise I probably won’t read them right away. Not in a week and not in a month, but I bought them anyway. A part of me sincerely hopes that there will come a time when all I have to do is read. Read for a day, read for a week or read for a month. I hope that a day will come where I don’t have to worry about tomorrow. That there will be no tests or anything haunting my thoughts.

I went to a cafe today in Grimstad where Henrik Ibsen has set his feet. I went there with one of dearest friends to study for my Norwegian tests. I hadn’t been there before, but I’ve been wanting to go for some time. It was great.

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-C

Grey

I’m reading a grey book at the moment. My iPad is grey. Lots of things are grey. I don’t really mind. I like grey, grey is a lovely colour. I wish that 50 shades of grey had nothing to no with sex, at the same time as I wish that more things had something to do with sex. My point is that I wish I could say that my life was 50 shades of grey. However, I can’t because someone else wrote a book about it first. Oh well, I can be 50 shades of something else, like chocolate. Please don’t eat me.

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Eiken is kind of grey

poor nomad

It’s a universal acknowledged law that once one aspect of your life is going well, another falls apart. I don’t mean to exaggerate the downhills of my life. I do realise that there are people far worse off than me. Nevertheless, I can’t help pitying myself right now. It turns out that leaving my politics class was a huge mistake since it lead to my financial aid (given to me by the Norwegian government) got cut by 25%. I learned this two weeks ago before leaving on holiday. I’ve been in contact with my councillor and we’ve come to that I can get it back if I continue my politics class. So huge dilemma, money vs sleeping two hours extra sleep on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Tricky.

Since my financial aid has been cut, I’ve been getting acquainted with student poverty. I’ve seriously spent 100kr this week. Most of it went to buying a cafe mocca. I call this good budgeting and dieting.I am regretting more and more the iPad mini purchase I made last week in Luxembourg. Fuck you, iPad, for making my life so bittersweet. I wish I was more sensible when it comes to managing my own personal economy. My friend, T, would have no problems living on her own. She plans her budget perfectly and is always richer than me, and is therefore able to travel more. She’s the proof that I’m a failure at this. I spend and then economise. It should be the other way around. At least I enjoy my money, while it lasts anyway.

In a way I’m glad I’m poor. It sounds weird but it’s true. It’s part of the whole student experience and as long as I’m not starving I’ll be fine. At least I have my iPad and new book to save me from boredom on a Friday night when I’m too poor to go out.

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This is my new book. Lena Dunham has read it. That’s equivalent to saying that it’s probably really good.

almost grown-up




Borrowed my friend Sjehed’s photos. 

I’ve been waiting for a clean slate, somewhere to start again. And I figured that maybe having turned 19, this would be my chance. It makes sense to me to start a new blog, but for now this one will do. My life in France is well over, and when I think about it, I smile remembering how lucky I was to be apart of something there for whatever short amount of time I had. But my life in Norway is what’s important to me now, and what I’ll be writing about. I’ve come so far since this summer. There’s been so many challenges. I stand quite proud of having survived my life as an 18 year old. Being 19 with all my sences fully intact, is a triumph. Yesterday, I celebrated my birthday. And thanks to some great friends, I dare say it was a success. I’m so thankful for them saving me from the loneliness I too often inflict upon myself. I feel like I’ve been celebrating this whole week, and I can honestly say that it has been one of the best weeks in a long time. I feel like me and my friends have been happy. I’m talking about the rare spontanious kind of happiness that can’t be planned.

I’m happy, I guess. Just happy.

– C

Oh, the party was French themed. I don’t usually where berets..