Jean Paul Sartre would say that I’m in danger of experiencing an extreme case of existential anxiety. Furthermore, he would be right. My university applications are soon due, that’s a fact I can’t seem to hide from. I try to slow time down in my head. I stay up late thinking endlessly about who I want to be in the future and what I want to be doing. I really thought that I wanted to study psychology, or at least that studying psychology would introduce me to something else. The thing is that I recently found a letter I wrote but never sent to my grandmother in January stating that I was sure that I wanted to go to City University in London to study journalism. Between then and now I’ve also been sure that I wanted to study international Relations & Politics.
Another problem that seems to arise is where to study. Will it be Bath, London or maybe Oxford? And lately I’ve been thinking that studying in Norway might not be so bad after all. Maybe I’ll go to Bergen and just study psychology for a year and decide after that whether or not I want to continue or try something else. I’ve got all these thoughts in my head, twirling and mixing up everything. I’m starting to think that I don’t know myself at all. Truth is that I’m really no closer to knowing that I want to do for a living now then when I was a little girl. I’ve really not come any further in 19years.
Young Catherine wanted to be a writer and become more famous than J.K. Rowling. She never lacked ambition or dreams. I don’t know what happened to her. I reckon that growing up and realising that there will always be people more clever, more creative, more accomplished than me did. A discovery I wish undone.
I can’t keep dwelling on this. I really can’t. Maybe I’ll just fuck it all and go to China.
PS. any advice is warmly welcomed